


Alcohol Kills Viruses, Dumbass

by Cherry_Bomb_Bees



Category: South Park
Genre: Alcohol, Bat Soup, Boomers Ruining Everything, COVID-19, Colorado Buffaloes, Coronavirus, Drinking, Food Poisoning, Group Sex, Hospitalization, Minor Character Death, Old People Orgy, Other, Sickfic, Swearing, Vomiting, copious references of doom eternal and animal crossing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-17
Updated: 2020-04-03
Packaged: 2021-02-28 16:53:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23190460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cherry_Bomb_Bees/pseuds/Cherry_Bomb_Bees
Summary: The town of South Park gets into some excellent misadventures with the COVID-19 virus. PC Delta all come down with something, the City Wok owner is in deep shit, and Randy finds out the power of Corona beer.
Kudos: 7





	1. City Bat Soup

**Author's Note:**

> if matt and trey wont write an episode about covid-19 then by god i will
> 
> also theres gonna be some slurs here and some casual racism, plenty of violence and alcohol; its south park so yeah

“And as more and more cases hit Washington and California” the news reporter droned on air. “The real question is on our minds: When should I start to worry? And now, a midget hula hooping in a bikini”

The midget hula hooping in a bikini hollered to someone off air. “Thanks Tom! I’d say the right time to worry is if a neighboring state gets a case. Or if someone dies. Those are good times to worry. Especially if whoever dies is a child. Or white. Or has a blue checkmark on Twitter.”

As the news went on and on, the men at one of the tables had a completely civilized discussion.

“Now this is just retarded” the man with the orange hunter’s cap loudly complained after sipping at his frothy mug of Budweiser. “Coronavirus isn’t real”

Faint ‘whew-whew’-ing was heard from outside the bustling scene at Skeeter’s Wine and Cocktails.

“Nnnnnn-yeah” another man spoke into his voicebox. He nearly spilled his Miller Lite onto the table. “If it was real, someone here would have it, nnnnnnnn”

“Jimbo, you’re the retard” the redheaded bartender snarked from the counter as he scrubbed an empty mug. “We’re white, so we’re not going to get the coronavirus”

The ‘whew-whew’-ing got louder. Some could hear it, but the sounds of the TV, bustling conversation, and Florida-Georgia Line blasting from the jukebox blocked it for most.

One of the men at the table pointed. “I don’t know, Skeeter, I think Randy has it right now”

A man with short black hair and a mustache glared. “Jesus fucking Christ, Stuart, I don’t HAVE the corona VIRUS” he rolled his eyes as he set down his nice cold bottle of Corona. “Dick” he whispered to himself.

The various conversations slammed to a halt as the doors swung wide open and whacked against the walls. An athletic young man walked into the room, sweat dripping against his dirty blond hair.

“What the FUCK did I hear you say?!” the intruder hollered at the crowd. A sense of coldness was in his Oakleys as he glared around the room. “Which one of you was being a fucking racist?” 

Randy leaned over and whispered to the group “Oh greaaaat, it’s PC again”

PC Principal pushed some patrons out of the way before grabbing Skeeter by the shirt collar.

“You really think you can say disgusting shit like that in a time of CRISIS?!?!” the younger man glared before shaking the bartender back and forth. “White people can get coronavirus too, you racist”

Skeeter shoved PC off himself.  
“Are you going to order something or are you just going to be a dick?” he calmly asked.

The bar scene stayed silent as they watched the confrontation like vultures watching a fresh buffalo carcass.

PC Principal huffed to himself as he grabbed some cash from his khaki pockets. “I’ll have a White Claw” he handed the cash. 

Snickering was heard from most of the bar, causing the young man to turn around and glare. Once getting his can of overpriced hard seltzer, he went over to sit with some men around his age.

“Can you believe how racist this town’s acting?” PC complained to the group. “If this virus was from Europe or America they wouldn’t be acting like this”

“Yeah bro, I get whatcha mean” a redheaded young man in a WVU tank top nodded. “It’s also inherently ableist, bro, since coronavirus will kill people with immunocompromised disorders”

“PC WVU, disorders is an ableist term now” another man, this one with black hair and in a Pitt University hoodie, pointed out. “It’s now diseases because disorder implies there’s something inherently wrong with them.

“Ah shit, am I still PC bro?” PC WVU quickly asked.

PC Pitt nodded with his can of Truly. “Yeah, you’re still PC bro. And that’s what matters”

“At least we know coronavirus is something to take seriously and not an excuse for cheap racist jokes. Now let’s go to City Wok after this, bros” Principal said after chugging his White Claw. “The Asian population needs us in this time of crisis”

PC WVU hollered “Woo! Let’s go, PC!”

The group of frat boys stormed out of the bar in the name of racial equality and lack of shame, leaving crushed up empty cans, broken bottles, and no cash tip in the corner.

“Morons” Skeeter snarked under his breath after they left.

Randy snarked “Tell me about it. All they’ve been doing is calling everyone in town a racist. Hey can I get another Corona?”

Skeeter went to the back and grabbed a 24-pack of Corona. He lifted it over his head and set it on the table with a thud.

“This is a lot” Randy pointed out like the dumbass he is.

The bartender snarked. “No shit, Randy, you’re the only one who’s been buying them in over a week”

“Hey at least I’ll never run out!” the mustachioed drunk grinned happily.

Meanwhile, over at City Wok....

“Bro this shit is soooooo good” PC WVU sighed happily as he feasted on a box of city shrimp fried rice. “I can’t believe we got it so fast bro”

“Tell me about it bro” said a frat bro in a LSU shirt as he devoured some city lo mein. “PC Texas A&M, how’s your order?”

“It’s fucking amazing” PC Principal finished a box of city duck chow mein. “The best part though is we’re not being culturally appropiative this week”

“I though eating at restaurants owned by people of color was appropiation” said the man in the Oregon State shirt.

“No, PC Oregon State” PC Pitt rolled his eyes. “This week it’s showing soliditary to the Asian-American community as they suffer from racial microaggressions due to the coronavirus”

Meanwhile, the City Wok owner was screaming into the phone.

“I NO HAVE SHITTY CORONA LO MEIN!!! NOW STOP CALLING ME UNLESS YOU WANT SHITTY WOK FOOD GOD DAMNIT!!”

The other voice laughed on the phone.

“Do- do- do you h-ha-h-have the ci-city— What was it again?” a young voice stuttered before going back to the phone. “Ci-cit-ci— city h-hot and so-sour bat soup?”

Hell broke loose.

The City Wok owner went off “I NO HAVE THE FUCKING SHITTY HOT AND SOUR BAT SOUP!! YOU PRANK CALL ME I KICK YOUR ASS! I KICK YOUR ASS THEN MAKE IT INTO SHITTY ORANGE SEAFOOD!! STOP RAUGHING YOU GODDAMN PLANK CARRERS.”

He threw the phone against the wall, causing it to shatter in a million pieces.

“Stupid fucking plank carrers. I kick their ass”

The group of PC bros looked up from their feast, now quiet from the excessive rant.

“Bro.....” PC WVU gasped. “Just......bro”


	2. City Time at the Fraternity

That night...

3:15 AM, the alarm clock on the nightside table read in darkness.

Surprisingly enough, the atmosphere was serene for the fraternity down the road in the Colorado town. One would’ve expected hooligans celebrating loudly, cops showing up, maybe even the sounds of rough sex. However... 

The only noise to be heard in the quiet night was snoring from a couple bedrooms. 

Until violent retching echoed from the master bathroom.

PC Principal was on his knees and huddled over the porcelain toilet, clinging on for dear life as he spewed vomit all over the john. Chunks of undercooked shrimp and overcooked noodles were splattered on the toilet, while a pale green liquid dribbled down PC’s chin and into his dirty blond facial hair.

“Bro......” he weakly muttered under his breath before gagging twice and throwing up again. “Weak”

Loud knocking came from the door, causing the fraternity leader to look up from his carnage.

“Yeah?” he groaned before looking back down.

The door swung wide open, a couple frat boys standing in the doorway with eyes like a deer in car light.

PC WVU asked his friend “You alright bro?”

“Does he look alright to you, dumbass?” PC Oregon State scoffed at the redhead before walking over and kneeling down to approach PC Principal.

“I feel” the principal coughed out. He was about to explain what happened.

And then he projectile vomited all over PC Oregon State. Chunks of medium-rare chicken, unthawed ground beef, stringy noodles, and a couple carrots splattered Oregon State’s entire body. Green liquid soaked the front of his college shirt and sweatpants. But this wasn’t any ordinary shade of green. It was Billie Eilish hair green, the most disgusting green known to all of mankind.

“Sweet jesus, that’s disgusting” Oregon State choked from the smell and texture. He was backing up to the wall of the bathroom, nearly on the edge of throwing up himself.

“Tell me about-” PC WVU tried to agree, but leaned over and threw up all over the floor. The offwhite marble tile was now coated in dark red bile with chunks of tofu and uncooked chicken splattered for a few feet.

As the two men violently expelled their City Wok dinner, PC Oregon State tiptoed across the bile and to the hallway. He knocked on as many doors as he could, hoping for someone to open.

“Did you all get sick too, bros?!” he called out to the night. Hurling and gagging were heard from a few of the bedrooms.

Oregon State shuddered from the noises. “It’s worse than I thought....”

The night went on as more and more frat bros regretted their Chinese dinner. The smell of vomit and guilt stank through the air, leaving the entire PC Delta infected. PC Oregon State, the only one not completely sick, was frantically pulling out his phone. He found delivery service and ordered enough blue Powerade and chicken noodle soup to last a whole year. It was a miracle someone else was even up at this hour, otherwise who knows how much worse it could’ve gotten.

The following morning...

A young boy with choppy brown hair and crossed eyes was angrily pelting cheap eggs at the City Wok.  
“St-stupid ass City Wok!”

“Jimmy!”

The boy turned around to see a friend of his dash up to see him. His friend had a tuft of fluffy blond hair, a cute little teal shirt, dark green pants, and a pale blue medical mask on.

“Oh, well h-he-h-hey Butters” Jimmy waved to the blond boy approaching him. “Why are- Why are- you wear-wearing that?”

Butters pointed at the mask covering his mouth and nose. “My dad’s, well, freaked out about the whole coronavirus thing and he said I have to wear this or I’ll be grounded, mister! Hey why are you throwing eggs at the Chinese place? Corona?”

“N-n-n-no” Jimmy pulled out another egg and chucked it at the window, yellow and white liquid splattering everywhere. “I got gr-gr-grou-grou grounded after that pr-pra-pr prank call”

“Oh jeez, Jimmy” Butters fiddled with his hands and looked down. “Can I join too then? I hate when I get grounded”

Jimmy flashed a smile and handed two eggs to his friend. “Su-sure, Butters”

“Whoopee!” the blond boy exclaimed before throwing his eggs. One of them smashed against the City Wok sign while the other exploded on the sidewalk.

“I hope I don’t get grounded this time, I was wearing my mask like he asked me to” Butters thought to himself as he and Jimmy continued to pelt City Wok with as many eggs as two ten-year-old boys could get.

The door to City Wok swung wide open. Tuong Lu Kim, the owner and sole employee, stared with fury at the children before screaming.

“YOU GODDAMN KIDS STOP EGGING MY SHITTY WOK OR I GIVE YOU CORONA!!!”

Jimmy put his crutches back on before backing away with Butters.

Lu Kim started fake coughing as loud as he could, hacking up a ball of spit before chucking it near the boys. He hollered louder.

“THAT REAR CORONA! IT KILL YOU”

The two boys screamed then sprinted away from the scene as fast as their little legs could take them, leaving the egg cartons behind.

Tuong chuckled to himself as he rubbed his hands together.

“Hehe. I no rearry have corona, only goddamn Mongorian have corona. Hopefurry I have customer today for shitty food”


	3. City Hospital Visit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey look, the boys finally appear! Let's hope nothing bad happens to them, it'd be quite awful

Back at City Wok, some of the passerby had noticed the commotion and angrily approached Tuong Lu Kim. While some of the crowd members had grabbed baseball bats, knives, broken beer bottles, and other improvised weapons, others had called out to other people on the streets. The crowd was getting larger by the minute.

"I knew it! I knew he had the coronavirus!" one of the men in the crowd yelled and pointed at the Chinese restaurant.

The City Wok owner tried to defend himself frantically. He waved his hands in the air "No, I just kidding. I no rearry have corona. It a prank. Mongorians have corona, no me, I innocent”

"You lying son of a bitch!" another man yelled. He pushed some of his dirty brown hair back, adjusted his SCOTCH hat, then threw his broken beer bottle at Lu Kim’s feet. The glass smashed against the hard pavement, landing everywhere in a few feet. Shards dug into Tuong’s black shoes, causing him to scream in agony.

“Rearry, berieve me! I no been to Wuhan!!” the Chinese owner exclaimed and pleaded. “Prease no hurt me, Cororado have no cases”

A lady with long red hair and an amusing green t-shirt yelled at him. “I don’t give a shit where you’ve been, you have the corona!” 

She clobbered the side of his head with a spiked baseball bat, causing him to yell again. The rest of the crowd joined in the needless brutality, using whatever they could as a weapon. Straight up punching was too obvious of a bad decision, that could just lead to more coronavirus. 

After fifteen grueling minutes of unneeded chaos, Tuong Lu Kim had finally fallen unconscious on the pavement. A few teeth had been knocked out of his bleeding mouth and his shitty toupee was torn off and pissed on. Black and blue bruises trailed down both forearms, while shards of glass dug into his legs and feet. He had two black eyes and a huge gash in his forehead. By god, it was a miracle he was even alive at this point.

Two members of the South Park Police Department came by in a few minutes while wearing hazmat suits. They lifted Tuong Lu Kim upwards, threw him in the backseat of the police car, and began driving down the streets.

“Remind me again, why are we doing this?” One of the cops asked his partner as he made a left turn.

The other officer said to him “If he’s dead, South Park’s out of its only Chinese restaurant. This is crucial”

After making it to Hell’s Pass Hospital, the police escorted the unconscious man over to the emergency room. Two of the nurses looked over at the brutality, went to change into hazmat suits, and carried him over to an excessively sanitized hospital room. After hooking him up to various IVs and other medical equipment, the nurses went over to the officers.

“Coronavirus?” the nurse with the dark brown bob cut asked as she took some notes.

“No, Mrs. Stoley” the taller officer answered. “We just found him beaten up like this. God knows what kind of infections and shit he has from out there”

Nurse Stoley nodded along as she continued to write. “Are you sure it wasn’t from coronavirus? Because we’ve been seeing more Asians come in lately…”

The room went silent except for the beeping of a heart rate monitor.

The shorter officer asked what was on his mind “Asians?” 

“Yes, Asians” the other nurse said. “The virus started over in China. But none of the Asians here had gotten the virus— it’s been the result of hate crimes”

“Yes” Mrs. Stoley continued the explanation. “My son’s teacher is Asian; she came in two days ago with a machete lodged in her chest. Poor woman’s still in here, but she’s recovering”

Screams were heard downstairs.

“What the—“ 

Both nurses and officers sprinted down the stairs to hear the ongoing commotion. 

“Hurry up already!!”

A young man in an Oregon State sweatshirt was dragging along someone around his age. The other man had bile and snot drenching down his Oklahoma State t-shirt while losing his balance. His face was tinted red and sweat dripped down his forehead.

“Come on boys! We only have 20 minutes before we get towed, bro” PC Oregon State yelled outside.

The automatic doors opened wide as four adorable grade schoolers each dragged a large man with them. One of the PC Delta members stumbled over and threw up all over the fattest kid. A vivid blue liquid with little chunks of saltine cracker drenched down his winter cap and into his face.

“Aw, sick!” the fat kid complained while the other boys laughed.

One of the officers looked scarred for life while Nurse Stoley ran to the puking young man.

“Sir, what happened?!” she asked as she cleaned up the vomit from both floor and chubby little kid.

PC Oregon State butted in. “Everyone in my friend’s house got sick, except for me”

The guy in the Oklahoma State shirt nearly collapsed on the floor, vomiting again on the hospital floor. The upchuck splattered near the other young boys, causing them to stop laughing at their friend’s misfortune.

“Do you know why they got sick?” the other nurse asked.

“Yeah, I do, brah” the fraternity member explained. “We all ate some food at the Chinese place, they all got sick at 3 AM, I tried EVERYTHING, but they’re not getting any fucking better, dude”

“City Wok, huh? What a coincidence” an officer pointed out. “We just brought the owner in five minutes ago”

The boys’ eyes widened and they looked grossed out.

“There’s no fucking way we’re staying here, we’re gonna be as fucking sick as these dumbasses from the fraternity” the boy in the orange parka said to his friends.

“Listen, Kenny” the boy in the hat with the red poofball said to his friend. “We don’t wanna be here either, but that guy told us he’d buy all of us Doom Eternal”

Meanwhile, the hospital staff were taking as many infected PC Delta members in as possible. Their anguished groans were heard through the whole floor as nurses rushed to get them hooked in and ready for treatment.

“So, since nobody’s going to ask, why did you bring those boys with you?” Mrs. Stoley asked as she pushed a patient into one of the countless hospital rooms.

PC Oregon State turned around. “One of my friends is their principal, but they’re little assholes, so I told them if they helped me out, I’d buy them Doom Eternal”

“Nurse Stoley!!!” another nurse hollered from the soliditary room. “Can you come over here, like, now?!”


	4. City News

Nurse Stoley ran as fast as she could to one of the hospital rooms. She opened the curtain wide open to see what the other nurse had called her over too.

An elderly woman was laying on the hospital bed. She loudly retched as she violently coughed in the air. The medical devices attached to her body jerked around with each cough. Both nurses cringed in disgust from how pitiful she sounded. 

“What seems to be the problem, Osley?” Stoley asked her coworker.

Nurse Oslen looked down with a cold silence, watching the senior hack up some clear phlegm all over her floral hospital gown.

“She came in for the flu, but it seems to be much worse” Oslen sighed and shook her head. “We might have to request a coronavirus test from the government”

“That’s impossible, Oslen!” Stoley hollered and shook the other nurse around. “We don’t know who she is!! Or if she knows anyone famous personally”

The curly haired nurse looked over at Stoley before glancing again at the bedridden patient.  
“She said her grandson went to a Billie Eilish concert” 

Mrs. Stoley rolled her eyes. “Like anyone cares about some vegan who dresses like an obese uncle at a cookout. We mean someone actually famous! Tom Hanks famous!”

The elderly lady coughed even harder, her heartrate slowing down with each hack up. As her rate slowed down, she yanked Ms. Oslen by the arm and pulled her close enough to whisper.

“Don’t” she coughed out. “Don’t fucking go”

Oslen’s dark brown eyes widened from what she was saying. “Go where?” she asked with a softness in her tone. The patient was on death's door.

“Go” the senior citizen hushed. “Nursing home”

She croaked loudly and laid back down. Her eyes closed as the heartbeat monitor slowed down its beeps, finally landing at a long solid beep. The beep droned on for minutes as both nurses stared in horror at the scene.

“Oslen, what else do you know about her?!” Stoley hollered in panic. “Answer me!!!”

Oslen flinched from the holler. “Alright, alright, I’ll tell you!! But there is a lot of information on her”

“Then tell me all you can” the taller nurse unhooked the monitors and shook her head sadly at the former patient lying down. “We have to get tests done on her”

The shorter nurse nodded solemnly. “Her name was Bianca Clawsen. 82 years old, no previous conditions according to her medical records. She came from Shady Acres after an employee reported her coughing, with a fever, and falling asleep frequently. We had her here for three days with her. And this is how she goes out. No family, no dignity, not even in a childhood home, but cold and alone with two underpaid and overstressed nurses”

“Well what the hell is happening at Shady Acres?!” Stoley exclaimed at Oslen. She just couldn’t believe what had happened. “There has to be an epidemic going on there”

Meanwhile, at Shady Acres...

Two middle aged adults walked up to the counter and were directed to one of the rooms by an apathetic worker. Both of them wore blue medical masks and matching disposable gloves.

“Randy, get off that thing already” the woman chided her husband as he smashed buttons away at a bright blue game console. She grabbed his arm and dragged him over.

Randy groaned and rolled his eyes. “Sharoooooon I don’t want to see him right now. What if he has it?!”

Sharon rolled her eyes in annoyance at how childish he was acting. “Randy, if he had the coronavirus, we wouldn’t have even been allowed inside here!”

The Marshes had made it to one of the rooms and carefully opened the door. Randy saved his file before shoving the game device into his wife’s purse. They walked inside together. The room was cold and plainly decorated, except for the dozens of Hummels hogging up space in a high quality glass storage case. The saccharine German figurines added only a bit of life to the bedroom.

“Ugh, hey dad” Randy pouted and crossed his arms.

The elderly man looked up from his wheelchair and turned around to glare at his son and daughter-in-law.

“Did you peckerheads get it yet?” Marvin Marsh asked both of them.

“No, there hasn’t even been any cases in the state of Colorado” Sharon shook her head. “Not that it would matter, none of us are the Denver Nuggets or the Broncos”

“Aw god damnit!” Marvin snapped. “If you two bastards ever get the beer flu, you better give some of it to ME. I fucking hate it here”

“No dad, we’re not giving you any coronavirus” Randy facepalmed at how idiotic his father was acting. He whispered to himself “Besides if anyone should be getting it, it should be Shelley”

“What?” Sharon asked quickly. 

Randy shook his head frantically. “Sharon, I said that it’s not beer flu, it’s coronavirus!”

“Oh”

Sharon crossed her arms. “Well fine”

The two adults left the room soon after, Randy pulling Sharon to the car as she played on the game console.

“Why is he trying to get coronavirus?” Sharon asked as she made her player character add a bridge to the island.

“You know how old people are, Sharon” Randy started the car up and began to drive away from Shady Acres. “They’re all senile and shit like that”

Sharon was sucked into her new game while Randy rambled on about how boomers were acting. She smiled as her player character struck up conversation with a grey cat in glasses and a waistcoat.

“Yeah.....They’re insane” Sharon sighed as she enjoyed the game shenanigans.


	5. Disaster in Denver

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Old people make bad decisions and the state of Colorado is in danger!

After those two peckerheads finally left the nursing home, Marvin grinned to himself. Now that it was just him and him alone in that room, he could come up with a diabolical scheme to finally die already. Sure, some other old folks could die too, Marvin thought to himself, but I’ll be dead by then. The blood will be on the caretakers’ hands, not him.

The elderly man wheeled over to the desk and opened one of the drawers. After pushing aside a few sentimental photographs, he pulled out a rolled up poster and unraveled it across his desk. The huge sheet of white paper had several large notes and black arrows written all across it.

“STEP 1: FIND PERSON THAT HAS BEER FLU  
STEP 2: MAKE SURE CARETAKERS DONT FIND OUT  
STEP 3: HAVE GROUP ORGY  
STEP 4: ???  
STEP 5: GET BEER FLU  
STEP 6: DIE!!!”  
STEP 7 ??? MAKE RANDY SUE SHADY ACRES”

“This’ll work for sure, god damnit” Marvin thought to himself. He checked the clock. Shit, it was only 3:25 PM and the staff would be on work for a while. 

A voice called out from behind the door.  
“Mr. Marsh, it’s time for your early dinner!”

“Go to hell, shit for brains” Marvin called out to him.

Despite the senior having the senior mentality to tell off whoever he pleased, the caretaker went inside the room anyway and wheeled Marvin out to the cafeteria. 

The next few hours were complete utter agony for the boomer. Time felt to be at a standstill as Marvin gnawed away at his utterly bland dinner— undercooked meatloaf and chunky mashed potatoes with watery gravy and green beans fresh from the can. The low quality food felt even more like utterly flavorless mush than it usually did.   
Once dinner had been finished, Marvin wheeled himself over to an entertainment room to play some rounds of cards. It was all meaningless now to him; just grabbing pieces of cardboard and deciding which is the best of the round.   
Shit, it was only 7:15 PM, Marvin realized as he finished up the card game. He went back over to his bedroom for a quick nap that felt like it should’ve been a lot longer, like a good TV show that only has 13 episodes.

10:21 PM, the clock had now read, as the senior arose from his brief nap. Finally. He could start his devious plan to death. Marvin rolled over to the door ever so quietly, opened it up, then closed it before heading over to the television room. Luckily, there were no caretakers in sight, just plenty of elderly people without any supervision whatsoever. He checked his pockets; no condoms at all, but plenty of lubrication. 

Marvin positioned himself next to the sofa. He tried to watch the movie playing currently on the television. Two young people were obviously getting it on, even though a bedsheet was obviously covering up their lower halves. The video quality was pretty low, yet it had to air at some time on mainstream television.

“I wish I could do that again someday,” one of the elderly ladies sighed. She was sitting comfortably on the couch with her legs crossed at the ankle.

The movie continued playing as Marvin placed a hand on the sofa. He smiled a bit at the woman sitting close to him.

“We could make that day today” he whispered to her.

I can’t believe I’m actually going through with this, Marvin thought to himself as he looked over at the elderly woman sitting nearby him. Her silvery-blond hair was in a wavy bob cut and her silver eyes looked relaxed. She had quite a few wrinkles near her eyes and only a few spots down her skin.

“Is that so?” the woman asked him. She twirled a lock of hair before leaning in to kiss him softly on the lips. 

While her lips were a little dry, it was the way she kissed that made Marvin harden up. He reached down to unzip his pants, freeing his wrinkly cock in the air. He pulled away from the woman he was getting intimate with.

“What do you say, Doris? Do it like in the movie?” the elderly man whispered in her ear.

Doris smiled a bit. “I’d love nothing more than to do that with you, Marvin”

She reached up her skirt, slid off her underwear, then straddled his lap. Marvin pulled a pack of extra-soft lubrication out of his left pocket and generously applied the whole packet to all ten inches of his penis. Doris spread her legs out slightly and lowered herself on his erection. Marvin’s cock felt warm despite the cold lubrication coating it.

Some of the other seniors looked on at the physical happenings. While a few of the elders were visibly disgusted, others were flustered at the lewd act. One of the gentlemen, however, was enjoying what he saw; he undid his pants, spit on his hand, then moved said hand down to slowly masturbate.

“God damn, I want a piece of that ass too” he grunted as he continued to watch Marvin and Doris get it on.

“You can have a piece of this ass if you want it” an elderly lady with pink hair grabbed his wrist. She licked her dried-up lips and got on all fours in front of him.

After three of the seniors left the room to go back to bed, the remaining twelve elderly folks got into their own sexcapades. Two of the men were now spitroasting the pink haired woman, while Marvin got off his wheelchair to mercilessly pound Doris against the couch. She held on for dear life as the taller man thrusted without care into her snatch.

The television channel was now playing Showgirls; the worst thing that anybody could hear at that time of night, or ever. 

One unfortunate elderly man was trying to sleep, but all he could hear was sloshing wet thrusts and moans of pleasure. Why did he have to get the bedroom next to the television room, he thought to himself in silence as the night went on.

Meanwhile, in a scenic Denver hospital...

“Oh shit” one of the doctors said to himself as he looked over at some tests. He wiped some sweat off his dark-skinned forehead in concern.

Another doctor asked in worry “What’s the matter, Tavares?” 

Tavares pulled out the lab results.  
“We used up the state’s entire supply of covid-19 tests, and the results are not good, Dawson”  
“Well, what’s the matter with the results? Give it to me straight” Dawson sat down next to him.

Tavares cleared his throat, making Dawson raise his bushy eyebrows in concern.

“Three of the Denver Nuggets and two of the Denver Broncos were tested positive. Do you know how hard this scandal is going to be? Do you have any fucking idea?!?!” He screamed at his co-worker. “We haven’t had a scandal like this since Jack Tenorman had that bastard kid years ago! The media is going to be on our asses for this!”

“By god, it’s going to be much worse than that” Dr. Dawson was shell-shocked from how hard these cases hit. “These are athletes for god’s sake. Sure they’re all athletic black men in their late 20s, but these are celebrities! With blue checkmarks on their social media! Damnit, we can’t lose any of them to this fucking pandemic piece of shit!”

Tavares opened one of the fridges, cracked open two cans of Corona, and handed one to Dawson. 

“I know it’s hard to face, but we have to do what we can” the black doctor handed the can of beer to him. “Alcohol helps kill viruses after all”

He took a sip as he watched Dawson impulsively chug all twelve ounces.

Dawson sighed in defeat. "I needed that so much. God help us if any of the Colorado Buffaloes are confirmed positive."


	6. New Horizons Madness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh hey, didn’t forget about the PC Delta subplot! Also yes, someone has an Animal Crossing addiction

PC Principal woke up in the sterile white hospital bed and glanced around his surroundings. His sunglasses were laid down on a table nearby, next to his black fold wallet, keys attached to a PC Delta lanyard, and his iPhone. His pajamas and bathrobe were laying messily on a chair. Instead of those, he was wearing a plain white hospital gown and nothing else.

“Dude.....bro.....” he groaned weakly in his state of being.

A nurse walked into his room, wearing loose mint green scrubs and her silky black hair in a low ponytail. Her identification tag read ‘Jennifer Antonic’.

“Hi, Mr. Peter Charles?” Nurse Antonic greeted him as she looked up and down a clipboard with papers attached. “We did some tests, and the good news is, it’s not a strain of covid-19. I’d say its good news, but the state wasted every test on professional athletes”

PC cringed from what he was told. “Those classist privileged bastards”

Jennifer nodded along with a slight frown. “I agree, it’s been causing nothing but panic from my colleagues. God knows if it was even worth it to try. But the bad news is, you do have a bad case of food poisoning. The peppers in what you ate also caused an inflammation of the stomach and you’re rapidly being dehydrated”

“Weak. Any good news, ma’am?” asked Peter Charles. He shuffled himself a bit to feel more comfortable on the bed, despite the ivs hooked into his arms and heartrate monitor wiring attached to his chest.

The nurse smiled softly “Since we caught you and your friends early, all of you are going to make a steady recovery. Is there anything else I can help you with before I go?”

“Could I see my phone please?” he asked.

Jennifer reached over to the table and reached for the black phone. She handed it to him carefully.

“Thank you ma’am” PC sighed as he held the phone gingerly in his hands. He turned it on and saw a bombard of texts from all around South Park.

“COLORADO’S INFECTED BRO!!!!”  
“WE’RE FUCKED RIGHT NOW, M’KAY”  
“ARE YOU QUARANTINED YET, PC?!”  
“DUDE, BRO!!!!”  
“CANCEL SCHOOL FOR A WEEK, M’KAY”  
“SOUTH PARK IS GONNA DIE!!!”  
“Hey PC Principal, have you played Animal Crossing yet? It’s super fun right now”

He checked the PC Delta group chat first and read through the countless text messages.  
———

PC A&M: alright what happened bros i was asleep  
PC OREGON STATE: COLORADO HAS FIVE FUCKING CASES BRO!!!!  
A&M: let me guess, all famous people?  
OKLAHOMA STATE: yeah bro three denver nuggets and two denver broncos  
A&M: of course. professional athletes can afford and have high priority on coronavirus tests. class privilege at its finest  
WVU: 😂👌 eat the damn rich  
OKLAHOMA STATE: wvu, be serious now  
OREGON STATE: WE’RE SO FUCKED. ANY NEW TESTS WE GET ARE GOING TO THE BLUE CHECKMARKS ON TWITTER AND MAYBE SOME MUSICIANS.  
A&M: oregon state, do you need to calm down? sorry for the microaggression bro  
OREGON STATE: ITS ALRITE BRO IM JUST AWARE OF THE RICH PRIVILEGE THIS COUNTRY HAS BRO  
———

Back at the Stotches’ residence, Stephen and Linda were huddled on the couch and watching television.

The news droned on  
“In other news, Colorado now has 5 cases of the Wuhan flu. Three of the Denver Nuggets and two of the Denver Broncos tested positive, after the Nuggets played against the Utah Jazz, and a Bronco returning from Washington to visit family. Thirteen people are now dead in Washington from coronavirus, so this could be dangerous for the Broncos, and the rest of Colorado”

Stephen and Linda both screamed in horror from what they had heard.

“We have to quarantine right now!!!” the blonde lady screamed at her husband as she grabbed his shoulders. “Colorado’s infected!!!!”

“Linda, calm down. If we—“

The doorbell rang, causing them to both yell again.

Stephen grabbed his bright yellow hazmat suit from the coatrack and put it on. He approached the door and opened it. A simple man in a UPS uniform was standing there was a package in one arm and a clipboard in the other.

“Package for Mr. Stotch, sir?”

The brown haired man gulped before yanking the clipboard and scribbling on the signature line. He took the package for himself.

“You’re not infected, are you?” Mr. Stotch asked the UPS driver.

The minimum-wage employee looked around. “Do I look like someone with a blue checkmark on my Twitter account?” he snarked before heading back to his truk and driving away.

Linda asked her husband “Stephen, what did you order?”

“Butters and I got some video games to keep us busy during quarantine. But since he’s grounded for causing a fight at City Wok, they’re my games now” Stephen took the hazmat suit off, sprayed disinfectant off the box, then ripped open the package to reveal two unopened video games for the Switch: Doom Eternal and Animal Crossing New Horizons.

“I think I’ll play the cute animal one” Stephen turned on the Switch sitting near the TV, inserted the game card, then laid back and waited for the game to start up.

Linda sat down next to him. She laid her head on his shoulder and crossed her legs.

“Well isn’t this adorable” She watched as Stephen set up his island and arrive there with two cute animals following him; a bright red dog and a yellow hamster in a purple shirt.

“Randy told me this game was great” the man relaxed more as he set his tent up. “He and Sharon have been playing it nonstop”

“It looks fun. Can I play when you’re done?” Linda sweetly asked as she continued to watch.

The phone began to ring. Linda saw it was Randy’s house number and picked up.  
“Hello?” she asked.

“Hey, is Stephen there?” Randy asked. “I have to ask him for something important”

“No, he’s playing that new animal game right now” Linda said as she watched her husband keep playing nonstop.

“That’s what I was gonna ask him about” Randy sounded a little happier on the phone. “Can you tell him to give me his friend code? I need more people to play with”

In the background at Randy’s house, Stan was yelling at his mom and dad to “stop playing that stupid game and take me to the doctor’s, goddamnit!”

Linda chuckled. “Sure, I can give you the code. If he stops playing of course!”

“Alright, great” said Randy before yelling off the phone. “STAN, YOUR MOTHER IS TRYING TO CATCH A WASP, OKAY, WE CAN WAIT FOR THE DOCTORS APPOINTMENT FOR FIVE MINUTES!”  
He then hung up.

“Who was that, Linda?” Stephen was catching a few fish and putting them in his inventory.

“Oh, it was just Randy. He asked something about a friend code” she explained to him. “And his kid was being so annoying”


	7. The Beer Flu Strikes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marvin Ruins Everything

After finishing business at the doctor’s, Randy heard the phone ring inside the car and picked it up. Sharon was focused on the Switch in her hands while Stan checked his iPhone for any messages. 

“God damnit, Dad, what trouble did you get in now?” Randy thought to himself before answering the call. 

“Hey peckerface, how long does it take to get the beer flu?” Marvin happily greeted his son.

Randy facepalmed so hard he nearly bruised his nose. He had thought throwing the old bastard into that home would stop him from getting into suicidal shenanigans. But no, now that Colorado has five confirmed cases, all the old people are either careless enough to catch it willy-nilly or dangerous enough to purposefully get sick.

“Dad, you are not trying to get coronavirus on purpose” Randy scolded him. 

Marvin snapped and told him off “God damnit, Randy, it’s my right as an American to do anything I want, even if I’m stuck in this shitty nursing home you bastards dumped me off in”

Sharon was ignoring the entire phone argument while Stan pinched the bridge of his nose in cringe.

“Oh you are fucking getting it, mister” 

Randy ended the call and threw his phone onto the floor in rage.

It was in that moment Randy was beyond trying to reason with his senile father. Only a solid ass whooping could work. He angrily hung up the phone and pulled a sharp turn on the road.  
The car skidded as he floored the gas pedal and sped over to Shady Acres Nursing Home. Sharon was eerily calm during the whole shenanigans. While she normally would’ve dragged Randy away and never let him beat some ass down, the Switch in her hands had a power over her.

Just before storming into the place, Randy grabbed two bottles of beer, chugged all twenty four ounces, then kicked the doors down. Stan unwillingly followed his father inside and groaned under his breath from the pure and unfiltered shenanigans about to unfold.

The intoxicated man knocked twice on one of the doors before kicking it down. Luck was on his side; he knocked down the exact room which his elderly father was inside.

“What are you doing here, son of a bitch?” Marvin asked his clearly drunk son. “You came for the beer flu too?”

“No dad, I’m fucking immune” Randy slurred his words and swayed slightly in one spot. “Alcohol kills corona, stupid”

The senior citizen hollered “You’re not immune to this, jackass” 

Marvin coughed loudly before hacking up some phlegm. He arched back in his wheelchair and tried to spit on Randy.

However, thanks to the power of Corona beer and utter stupidity, Randy stumbled out of the way. The spit, however, landed on Stan’s arm, causing him to look disgusted and cringe.

“Ugh, sick!” the boy groaned from the wetness coating the sleeve of his coat. 

Randy was furious at what Marvin just did. “You son of a bitch” he hollered before going into a tirade at his father. “Do you know how many fucking people you’re going to infect now that you did this?”

“Now listen here, son of a bitch—“ Marvin tried to reason before getting cut off.

“No, dad, I’m not fucking listening to you, okay” Randy continued to rant. “If you get both of us infected, we could spread it without having any symptoms. Is that what you wanted? Or are you just so selfish you’ll put your needs before anybody else’s, huh? I’m fucking done with you. If Stanley here dies from your carelessness, I’m never going to let you live it down”

The room nearly froze from the coldness in Randy’s tone of voice. He flipped off Marvin, picked up Stan in one arm, then walked over to the door and left without giving the senior citizen any chance to defend himself. 

Marvin was still in shock from what happened. He never wanted to get his own family infected in the first place. And now they had walked out on him.

Back at the car, Randy set Stan down so he could get seated. 

“Sharon, you will not fucking believe what he did today” Randy complained as he started the car.

“What did he do now?” Sharon was barely paying attention to her husband as she caught a few fish in her game.

Randy rolled his eyes. “He tried to get us sick too. Damn boomers..”

He started the car up and began to drive home. The ride was quiet as Sharon kept occupied with her cute animal game and Stan texted his friends about what happened.

Back at the Stotches, Linda and Stephen were in the middle of playing their game. The house phone rang twice.

“Damnit” Stephen rolled his eyes as a large fish got away on the television. He set the joycon down and grabbed the phone. “Hello?”

A calm voice spoke to him. “Hi, is this the Stotch residence?”

“Yes, this is Stephen, what is it?”

The voice replied. “Ah yes, this is the Blacksburg Nursing Home. We’re calling you today because we did some tests for the Covid-19 strain. Your mother, Barbara, tested positive and we think she might die very soon”

Stephen stood in complete surprise from the news. He shook a bit as his hands began to sweat.

“You. You can’t be serious? My mother isn’t famous! She only has 58 Facebook friends and 3 Instagram followers! My god, she doesn’t even use Twitter!” he panicked over the phone. “This can’t happen to her of all people! It’s supposed to be for those damn kids going out licking toilet seats and getting drunk on Florida beaches!”

“I’m sorry, sir. But coronavirus doesn’t only affect famous people. We can set up a Zoom conference for you to talk to her”

Stephen furiously threw the phone at the wall and it smashed into a million pieces.

“What’s going on, Stephen?” Linda asked before setting her joycon down. She walked over to him in worry.

The patriarch sat down on the couch and crossed his arms. Sweat dripped down his forehead.

“......My mother has the coronavirus”


End file.
